My hearts pursuits thus far in life have included coaching women to reach their fullest potential, to step out of comfort zones and conquer their fears. Make bold career moves and understand how the tools of their trade can give them the strength of independence, and the confidence to excel in life, love, and business pursuits.
During this particular journey in life my road forked and I became a mom. 2 times pregnant, 3 babies later. Suddenly it’s as if I feel all my coaching rights have been stripped. Not literally but fearfully. I have NEVER stepped so far out of my comfort zone as embarking on motherhood. There is no stepping back and I feel consumed at times. Consumed by fears I didn’t know existed.
The longing for the strength I once had in the security of knowing what would come of the moves I made or the perfect ways to push myself harder and farther. Even if the universe was guiding, I always welcomed the change and navigated accordingly. Giddy at the thought of a “new challenge” and with a sense of accomplishment tucked behind my ear.
The loss of courage that comes from these tiny human beings exposing every fiber of your being. The ugliness, the rawness, the grit of your soul, and the depths of your love. This has made me weak in the knees.
The Unease of watching time transform these tiny faces right before your eyes and whisking away moments to memories. All to fast. All without a pause button. Hoping you gave your whole heart to them that day no matter where the tantrums, napless afternoons, countless questions, teething, giggling, potty accidents, snuggles, and the navigation of brotherhood took your day.
The fretting and constant wonderment of the “new” woman I have become. With a jumbled mind and a shaken perspective.
Afraid of loosing how I once identified and claimed my worth, melted in with the bittersweet milestones and minutes with my tiny tribe that are turning me into the Mother I am becoming.
So I can tell you this journey does not come without fears, or without deporting you far from your beloved comfort zone. That I’m stuck in pursuit of finding my balance, my new sense of worth, and the parts of me and of this life I am willing to sacrifice. That the whole having your heart walk around outside your body feeling is something I don’t know will ever feel less scary. I do know that the uncertainty I feel is temporary and as anxious as it makes me I will regain my sense of self as a strong women and mother, of confidence, and of leadership in time.