Lets talks about baby bumps, and specifically societies need to “respond to size.” I want to share my twin bump experience.
My whole pregnancy like so many other women you get used to hearing the opinions, and comments from anyone and everyone around you. How big you are, how small you are. Are you eating enough? Are you eating too much! How are you standing? Wow are you due any day? You can’t possibly be pregnant with twins? Wow, are you sure it’s not triplets? You get the idea. Or have experienced it too.
Society seems to be so consumed and infatuated with pregnant bodies, but the problem is that it always comes with personal bias.
And what gets dangerous when we start viewing bellies as objects to be commented on vs it actually being the pregnant woman herself and her personal journey. For me it felt like the size of my twin belly equated to health.
My whole pregnancy we were monitored for twin to twin transfusion syndrome. A scenario where my babies were literally fighting for nutrients and one could potentially absorb too much from the other causing harm to both babies and potentially lead to loss of one. Every week we monitored sizes and growth. I was obsessive and terrified every week if they grew, if the ultrasound light screen would reveal we lost one, or find one was so full of fluid his life was on the line.
I was trying my hardest to get in nutrients. Always with the thought I need enough of this, that, and the other thing between all day sickness, and general lack of room. While also being in consumption of people’s (friends, and family) comments and ideals of what “I should look like, carrying twins, as a pregnant woman.” Right down to how I should be eating.
I never expected this “social norm” to carry over to the birth of my babies. Which even now makes me feel like I need to defend my size, my birth, and size of my babies when born. So just to appease those thoughts I went into spontaneous labor with my twin boys. They were 4.1lbs and 5.2lbs, 16.5 and 17.5 inches long. They were my angels, perfect in every way.
But here is where all this body dysmorphia, body ideas/ideals caught up to me. Would you believe I was even too nervous to post pictures of my tiny babies? We spent a week in the NICU, and went home on Oxygen for my Twin B. And through my own postpartum I felt like I had failed. I failed in keeping my babies healthy, and safe. And everyone would know! What would they think? I was afraid people would see the oxygen tanks, and my tiny babies and blame me for it all. I didn’t have the words to share, I didn’t have the strength at the time to endure anymore opinions or give any sense of validation to peoples judgment.
People don’t seem to think about the weight of their words when they decide to objectify pregnant bodies.
During my growth check ups, if one baby didn’t grow as much as expected. When they were each born 1lb smaller than what my measurements 2 days prior suggested. When my Twin B had to be taken away from me immediately after delivery, and then boxed up in a giant Incubator to be flown to a more equipt NICU. I heard every last remark on the size of my belly and pregnant body. When I went home to navigate oxygen together and my tiny babies were spending all of their time thriving, and growing where we are less absorbed in developmental milestones I heard every “well meaning compliment” of my pregnant body re playing in my head.
And it didn’t stop! When I started venturing out with them everyone loves to play, let’s guess the baby’s age and I am so ashamed to say I used to lie to people! Can you believe that? I used to lie and tell them my babies were younger than they were because I couldn’t bare to hear “OH Wow! My grandson is around their age, he’s much bigger!” I literally wanted to crawl into a hole. And you guys I (mentally) did.
My mental health suffered a lot through my pregnancy and twin postpartum period. And I wish for the mental weight to be taken off of expectant mothers and their future babies. While it is not solely the reason I was struggling. It makes me so sad to think I was so scared of sharing the life we created, the absolute amazing birth that I had of my duo. I think it is absolutely under-talked about part of our society. We have to do better. Pregnant bodies, and babies are not free of normal social etiquette.